There are many reasons why a couple may seek to open up their relationship to a third person.
For many of these couples, the third person is a temporary or more casual partner. Sometimes, it's a friend who you would both like to have a "sometimes" sexual relationship. In some cases, a couple may want to bring in a third partner to be a permanent part of their relationship.
What's important is that all three people are on the same page!
One of the essential things to remember about communication strategies for couples seeking third person arrangements is this: the guidelines for healthy communication aren't that different than they are for couples who choose not to open up their relationship to another person.
But because scenarios come up that is not an issue for monogamous couples, more topics need to be discussed openly and honestly.
Here's what to consider.
Couples Seeking Third Person Arrangements
Make Sure Your Current Relationship Is Stable Before You Add A Third
Making sure your current relationship is stable is one of the most important pieces of advice before seeking a third partner.
Adding another person to an unstable partnership is a recipe for hurt feelings. If you think kinky group sex will save your failing relationship, most of those who have tried it can tell you that it won't.
Here are some signs that your monogamous relationship will not survive opening it up to a third person:
you don't trust each other
you aren't honest with each other
you feel anger towards each other for past and current failings
you're having an affair and want to cover it up or legitimize it by forming a trio
you're afraid your partner will leave you if you don't agree to add a third person
So don't be scared to seek couples counselling to improve your duo communication before you go for a trio.
Prepare For The Conversation With Your Partner
Opening up the possibility of bringing a third person into your relationship with your partner can be tricky. A lack of self-analysis and preparation can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings that can cause irreparable harm to your relationship.
So, before telling your partner that you'd like to introduce a third person into your relationship, understand your reasons. Perhaps you want to try something new sexually, or monogamy doesn't make sense to you anymore.
Ask yourself how you're committed to your relationship with your partner, and how you show your love for them aside from sexual fidelity.
Make sure that you can verbalize your commitment and love for your partner and the reasons you want to bring a third person into your relationship before sitting down with them.
Remind yourself that a conversation needs both talking and listening and keep an open mind to your partner's concerns.
Choose The Right Time And Place To Have The Conversation
Let's face it; this is going to be an uncomfortable conversation no matter how you look at it, so it's better to plan for success as much as you can.
Choose a time when neither of you has other commitments that could cut-off the discussion before you've reached some conclusion on whether to go ahead or not.
Also, think about when your partner is most likely to be relaxed and unstressed.
As for the place, it should be somewhere where the two of you are alone and won't be interrupted.
Reassure Your Partner
Broach the subject directly but gently. Present it as something that you've been thinking about and wondering if your partner would be willing to discuss it.
Tell your partner your reasons for wanting to introduce a third person and offer the reassurance of your love and continued commitment to the existing relationship.
If, at this stage, your partner needs time to think about it, reassure them that they can take as much time as they need, and continue the conversation another day.
Only Proceed If Everyone Wants To
If your partner is opposed to the idea of introducing a third person into your relationship, you need to think about what your priorities are, and you'll have some tough decisions to make.
Will you abandon your desire to bring a third person into your relationship? And if you do, will you harbor festering resentment towards your partner? Will your relationship suffer, and should you walk away and look for another?
It may be challenging to work through these emotions without seeking the help of a trained counselor.
On the other hand, if your partner agrees just because they want to please you, then that's a red flag.
Adding a third person to your relationship should be a decision that you both make because you will enjoy it or want to explore it.
If your partner is reluctant and only doing it to keep you happy, then it's not the right decision for your relationship.
Make Sure Both The Couples Are Attracted To The Third
Not everyone has to enjoy the experience equally, but everyone should be in it because they want to be with both other people.
It's probably not a promising idea to choose former lovers or friends when you're seeking a third person. Former lovers come with the emotional baggage of a break-up, and it may ruin a friendship forever if it doesn't work out.
Recruiting a third person from a non-monogamy friendly online dating club, like Swingtowns, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and Feeld is an option that you may want to try.
However you go about selecting your third person, all three of you should have some compatibility and rapport with the other two and find them sexually attractive.
Communication Strategies
So here's what you can do to ensure that your relationship with your partner stays healthy as you introduce a third person to.
Discuss Boundaries
Group sex means something different for everyone and may mean different things in different situations.
You and your partner should discuss with each other what you assume, expect, or don't feel comfortable with, as well as what you would like to happen.
Once you have found the right person to join you, you should also discuss their boundaries and expectations, and let them know about yours.
Have A Time-Out Strategy
The same rules apply for a trio as they do for a duo: any person has the right to stop the activity at any time.
It's a good idea to have a safe word and a plan for when things get too hectic for one of the three people involved in the relationship. The plan can include a pause for everyone to stop the sexual activity and cuddle for a while, or that the third person should leave, or that the person finding things too weird needs a little time to regroup.
Whatever the safe word and plan is, all three people need to respect and follow it.
Be Flexible And Honest
Things aren't always going to go as you plan and your feelings may not always be what you thought they would once you are in a situation.
Keep an open mind and don't reject a suggested sexual activity out of hand. It is unfamiliar territory and you need to give it a fair chance.
But it is essential to let the other two participants know if there is something that is out of bounds for you or something that you don't like or don't want to do. Similarly, let them know if you want to try something different, or if you especially like something.
In other words, communicate at all points of the process when you are getting to know a third partner and when you are interacting with them and your current partner.
How To Deal With Feelings Of Jealousy
We've been socialized to be territorial about our partners. We see people who so much as flirt with our significant others as a threat to ourselves.
Even when we wholeheartedly believe that monogamy is a social construct that has no place in the modern world, sub-consciously we hang on to the belief that our partner is ours and ours alone.
Therefore, it's normal to feel jealous when you see the person you're in a committed relationship with being intimate with someone else.
Acknowledge your jealousy don't blame your partner for "making you jealous." Remember that you're opening your relationship to a third person because you want to, not because you must.
If you're unable to overcome your feelings of jealousy, you may be experiencing low self-esteem or a lack of confidence. If you feel that you're not as attractive or as sexually skilled as the third person, it's more likely that you will be afraid that your partner prefers them to you and will leave you.
Jealousy is one of the most common problems that need to be addressed when a third person is introduced into a relationship. So common that non-monogamy support groups are on the increase in social media like Facebook.
So instead of abandoning the idea of a trio, join a polyamory support group, or find a therapist who is open-minded about non-monogamy and put in some work to achieve healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.
Of course, if jealousy is making you unhappy and you're unable to overcome it, then you may want to revisit your decision to introduce a third person into your relationship.
In conclusion
Opening a relationship with a third person isn't for everybody.
Monogamous sexual activity is already a complex issue; introducing a third person can be downright precarious.
But it can also be a delightful experience if you respect each other's desires and maintain open, honest communication at all times.
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